Title (as given to the record by the creator): Girl Fiend #1
Date(s) of creation: 1992
Creator / author / publisher: Cookie Woolner
Location: North Salem, NY
Physical description: a quarter-size photocopied zine of 12 pages, with drawings and typewriter type and handwriting at multiple angles
Reference #: GirlFiend1
Source: Cookie Woolner
Links: [ PDF ]
Transcript:
Cover:
[In big fat black marker, “Girl Fiend no. 1” with a heart between the two stackedwords, and thin wavy lines for a background.]
Page 2:
[Drawings of a clown and a circus tent and stars. Sideways underneath them is typed text.]
“TABLE OF CONTENTS
cover…..page 1
table of contents…..page 2
intro type thing…..page 3
point of view thing…..page 4
het sex sickness thing…..page 5
cutehet friend sickness…..page 6
who i can’t relate to…..page 7
top ten list…..page 8
i’m a clueless new queer…..page 9
gay/punk fashion question…..page 10
thoughts on coming out…..page 11
back cover…..page 12”
Page 3:
[a background of stars drawn with marker, and overlaid, typed sentences]
“i must get this out of me now. no longer can i keep everything inside. i am too good at keeping secrets. too good. i am so alone that when i go out i forget how to relate to others. this is just here. not here to change the world. or to make anyone rethink their beliefs. just to share what one girl is going through. maybe you know how she feels.”
Page 4:
[Clipart flower borders at the top and bottom, with typed text between.]
“in case you are wondering where i am coming from, it’s from the point o’ view of a teenage girl into punk who’s slowly trying to come out as a dyke and doesn’t have many friends (but lots of cool friends she just writes to) and lives in the country but is near a cool big city but has no one there to hang out with. she also feels way alone cuz she doesn’t meet societies (or even underground society’s) standards for looks. she likes herself (tries to) but it seems others won’t give her a chance cuz isn’t anorexic with swell flawless skin. and of course if you are not beautiful you must be incredibly brilliant or funny but she isn’t either, but maybe a little of each on a good day. she is looking forward to college. she doesn’t care about having a girlfriend (never had one, could she deal?) she just wants girl friends. and she must be sexist cuz the only boys she likes to hang out with are the gay ones. “
Page 5:
[Text typed sideways with marker scribbles around ants and bees on the side and top.]
“i am so sick of hearing my straight friends tell me all their sexual exploits, like how *** gave some guy she met last night head in the shower this morning.
or how *** can’t even go to new jersey anymore cuz she used to like a guy there and what if she runs into him. she still loves him even though he makes his friends send her hate mail.
and they make it so awkward for me to say anything girl related, beyond the stuff het girls are aloud to say, like “cindy crawford is so beautiful, i wish i had her body (not like that).
and then there’s the straight friend, who when i told her i was gay, said, “well, i hope you find someone to be with.” beyond the fact that she couldn’t deal with saying the word “girl” instead of “someone” i was very happy. you rule, carolyn.”
Page 6.
[Typed text with a row of stars at the bottom]
“i hate the fact that all my friends are pretty and straight. i seem to have a billion friends like this, or maybe 5 or 6. some know i’m queer and some don’t but it doesn’t matter becuz it’s not something you talk about. they avoid discussing my queerness like a fucking plague. maybe since they all know how hot they are and if we discuss my sexuality i will pin them down and do whatever it is they think girls do to each other. the truth is i don’t want any of them in the slightest. so they can fuck off with those thoughts, just cuz every stright guy wants to jump them does not mean i do.
so, here’s the usual pattern. me and cutehet go out. guys approach us and talk to cutehet, ignoring me. cutehet initially makes sure i am included in conversation, meal, whatever we do with these boys. i don’t say a thing. when they go out of their way to disclude me,.. thinking,”heh heh, me want this babe. must lose her ugly friend.” i drop a big hint to let the guys know i’m a flaming dyke, and they are not only shocked but bummed that they weren’t hurting my feelings.”
Page 7:
[typed text, some is sideways some is regular but at slightly different angles.]
“i cannot relate.
*********************
i do not feel as if all women are my sisters. we are not all fighting for the same things. most of them are not even in this struggle. they are too busy competing with each other for male approval and attention and i do not know what else they want from men because i am not in the race. and this they do not understand. their goals are not mine, and this is why i cannot relate.
i do not feel as if all lesbians are my sisters. this is no surprise, just another statement. i don’t have much in common with most of them, our queerness aside. i’m not here to play roles or to listen to folk music or just get fucked or never discuss getting fucked. and i’m not here to tell others how to be or look. i’m just here cuz i like girls. beyond that i cannot relate. i cannot relate to most punks. i’m not here to make the scene, to hang out at a show just to be seen in my leather finery. [drawing of an arrow pointing to the continuing text that is typed sideways]
i can’t relate to the macho hardness and the pits which divide the strong and weak. i can’t relate to bands that say nothing but sex and drugs. i can’t relate to those just here to make money. i can’t relate to the superficiality of it all, the ones who assume i’m over punk since i stopped shaving my head years ago. to these people i have nothing to say. i pray that i will be able to relate to clear punks. i don’t know any yet, but they are my last hope.”
Page 8:
[A typed list pasted onto a background of clipart images of women’s faces and upper bodies.]
“on a lighter note: ten things that make me happy on july 10, 1992..
- outpunk
- ramen noodles
- tribe 8
- donna/chainsaw zine 3.5
- penfriend jenn
- my cat inky
- melrose place
- riot grrrl tour in nyc soon!
- the thought of college in sept.
- canvas shoes
Page 9:
[Two typed paragraphs with marker-drawn zig zags in between, and smaller ones on top and bottom of the text. The page is typed sideways.]
“i do not know how to be gay. butch or fam or leather dark on a bike or totally p. c. and should i chop off all my hair and how come they all shave their legs and pits? i never got my lesbo for beginners book and i’m sad not cuz i didn’t get it but cuz there needs to be one. and i think there should be one if all the split factions and groups and styles expect newcomers to keep up and get with it and join the right section and stay there forever. i am not a joiner. i will not be joining that really hip new group no matter how “radical” the “activists” say they are. i will not join just to have a cool banner to stand behind at the next march. these groups hand you an identity. “okay boys, work out but not too much and just slip into these comfy levi’s cut offs and “silence equals death” tee and these doc martens, now blow this whistle and look real mad. voila!” what bruce la bruce said about acting queer with punks and act punk with queers is so right on because they all think they are so open-minded but they follow strict unmentionable rules and whoever challenges them might wake them up!”
Page 10:
[The sides have concentric circles in the upper corners, and dark strips from top to bottom with white stars inside. In the center column is typed text.]
“i was just wondering why all the gays dress punk. are they into it, becuz it doesn’t seem like they go beyond the fashions. they all wear tons o leather and black and shave parts of their head. but do they give a shit about punk’s values or music or message or history or do they just want its shock value? i think it is the latter…”
Page 11:
[Text typed sideways.]
“i am scared to tell my parents i am a lesbian. i’ve vaguely wanted to tell them all summer, but ever since pride day, after being confronted with a million “closets are for clothes” tee shirts, i really wanted to tell them. i don’t know how to go about it. my mother, the more able to deal with it parent, could be told first. i could ask her how to tell dad. i could tell them together. should i give a big speech on how i’m still the same and shit first, or just say “i am gay?” should i give them a book? the thing that kills me is that i never talk to my parents about anything, and i feel this is way too personal to tell, i just don’t want them to start thinking about my settling down with some nice young male architect or anything. and it’s a big part of me i am hiding and i feel sucky doing so. the thing is, i think being gay fucking rules. i don’t wanna be any other way. i’ve no problem with it. it’s not fair that i’m getting worked up over their reaction. it’s no fair that i need to tell them. you don’t tell your parents if you’re het… and if they don’t like it (they won’t at first) they will make me feel, like, guilty, for being gay. Fuck…”
Page 12 (back cover):
[a sticker that says “SUPPORT VAGINAL PRIDE. Because womens health care is political. Women’s health action and mobilization. WHAM! 212-713-5966.”
Handwritten at the bottom:
“After sept. 1
P.o. box 960
Hampshire college,
Amherst, ma 01002
Girl fiend #2
℅ Christina
Till sept. 1
P.o.box 285
North salem, ny 10560”
